As I come to the close of 2013, all I can really think to say is good fucking riddance.
That's not entirely fair. What would be fair is to say that October of 2012 to September of 2013 can suck it. Hard. But for convenience we're just going to be glad that 2013 is gone. We're gonna have a big party to wish it well and usher it out the door.
This is the year that a lot went wrong. Gail getting sick. Getting fired. Cars breaking down. New medical conditions to deal with. And most of all, ultimately losing Gail.
My mother-in-law was an amazing person. A writer, an actor, a mom, a friend, someone to laugh with and be snarky with. I am lucky to have known her. And I feel blessed that I was able to be with her through the end. To, in whatever way I could, help her transition through the final stage of her disease. To help her sons transition to a life without their mom. And I have to remember that it's a transition for me, as well.
Gail was funny and smart and kind and a little bit crazy and loving. She and I had some of the most amazing talks about all sorts of things. Raising kids. If there's a God. The meaning of life. Theater gossip. The meaning of art. Royalty gossip. She's been on my mind a lot lately, as we enter the final phase of our first year without Gail, arguably the hardest phase. Her birthday. Thanksgiving. Justin's birthday. Christmas. New Years. The anniversary of her death. All these are coming up in the next 2 and a half months. And they are all going to tear me apart, especially the celebrations - how do we celebrate without Gail. How do we carry forward the traditions that she taught us? How do we honor her, remember her, but not dwell in sadness. Be sad, yes of course, but not get mired in it. To be happy, too.
Because it's important to be happy. My new job. Making our livings as artists. New projects and new goals. All of these are happy things. And I know Gail would be happy for us, if she knew, that she would want us to be happy even though we don't have her anymore. But it still...it's hard.
I stopped blogging mainly because it was blocked at my old job, and this is the time I'm in front of a computer and can work on it during lunch and blah blah blah. I kept not blogging because the past 12 months have been some of the hardest I've gone through. But it's time to look forward, and to start moving in that direction. To remember, to honor, to love, but to progress as well.
So...to the next year. I'm starting early, because the time to start is when you're ready, not to wait for some date on the calendar. And today I'm ready.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Blank Spaces
Still with Van Gogh today. Particularly on facing the blank canvas.
"I tell you, if one wants to be active, one must not be afraid of going wrong, one must not be afraid of making mistakes now and then. Many people think that they will become good just by doing no harm — but that's a lie, and you yourself used to call it that. That way lies stagnation, mediocrity.
Just slap anything on when you see a blank canvas staring you in the face like some imbecile. You don't know how paralyzing that is, that stare of a blank canvas is, which says to the painter, You can't do a thing. The canvas has an idiotic stare and mesmerises some painters so much that they turn into idiots themselves. Many painters are afraid in front of the blank canvas, but the blank canvas is afraid of the real, passionate painter who dares and who has broken the spell of 'you can't' once and for all."
There are times when I sit down to write, even something as meaningless as an entry on this silly little blog, and the blank spaces do paralyze me. It's encouraging to think of Vincent and all the other artists out there attacking the blank canvas, making choices, not being afraid to go wrong. Knowing that you can paint over or scrape away what didn't work, but that you first need to start. The only way to improve is to practice, whether that's your skills as a painter, or just your ability to stare down the blank canvas.
This post brought to you in an effort to slap something up on the blank canvas.
"I tell you, if one wants to be active, one must not be afraid of going wrong, one must not be afraid of making mistakes now and then. Many people think that they will become good just by doing no harm — but that's a lie, and you yourself used to call it that. That way lies stagnation, mediocrity.
Just slap anything on when you see a blank canvas staring you in the face like some imbecile. You don't know how paralyzing that is, that stare of a blank canvas is, which says to the painter, You can't do a thing. The canvas has an idiotic stare and mesmerises some painters so much that they turn into idiots themselves. Many painters are afraid in front of the blank canvas, but the blank canvas is afraid of the real, passionate painter who dares and who has broken the spell of 'you can't' once and for all."
There are times when I sit down to write, even something as meaningless as an entry on this silly little blog, and the blank spaces do paralyze me. It's encouraging to think of Vincent and all the other artists out there attacking the blank canvas, making choices, not being afraid to go wrong. Knowing that you can paint over or scrape away what didn't work, but that you first need to start. The only way to improve is to practice, whether that's your skills as a painter, or just your ability to stare down the blank canvas.
This post brought to you in an effort to slap something up on the blank canvas.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Van Gogh
I've been thinking about Van Gogh a lot today. I think about him a lot in general, but today specifically, when reading what he wrote in his letters to his brother is bringing me to tears.
How he thought about art, and love, and God (or that what we choose to call God) - it all resonates with me in an utterly pleasing and completely dismantling way. It breaks me apart.
"What am I in the eyes of most people - a nonentity, an eccentric or an unpleasant person - somebody who has no position in society and never will have, in short, the lowest of the low.
How he thought about art, and love, and God (or that what we choose to call God) - it all resonates with me in an utterly pleasing and completely dismantling way. It breaks me apart.
"What am I in the eyes of most people - a nonentity, an eccentric or an unpleasant person - somebody who has no position in society and never will have, in short, the lowest of the low.
All right, then - even if that were absolutely true, then I should one day like to show by my work what such an eccentric, such a nobody, has in his heart.
That is my ambition, based less on resentment than on love malgré tout [in spite of everything], based more on a feeling of serenity than on passion."
- Letter from Vincent van Gogh to Theo van Gogh The Hague, 21 July 1882
Friday, March 11, 2011
Storage
It's kind of a boring topic, but storage has been taking up a lot of my brain activity lately. There are several projects I'm trying to get done around the house, and many of them involve how to better store the stuff I own. Holiday decorations, fabric, props, power tools, paint, art supplies, patterns, mementos, books - it goes on and on. So many different things to store, and with the house and all, I should be better about how it's all stored. Better organization and record keeping. Better access and protection.
Owning a house is great for many things, but as a recovering pack rat, it's hard to keep on the "don't accumulate random stuff" wagon. From parents dropping off boxes full of random crap to the items that show up as I work on props gigs to my own tendencies to hold onto every piece of paper that crosses my palm, it is really hard to let things go when I now have all this space to keep everything.
Back in college, I did a pretty good job of not accumulating stuff (you know, for me - it's all relative). There was a time when everything I owned fit into my car at once. I mean, it was an 1987 Oldsmobile named Tank, so that's not really saying all that much, but I was proud of it at the time.
And of course, even that doesn't really take into consideration all the stuff I had in storage at my mom's house. But when I left high school, my mom sold our house, so everything I had went into storage or to college with me, and I purged a lot of material goods at that time. There was some furniture, and some boxes of mementos, but even then I had managed to thin the herd pretty well.
From college through moving into the duplex I lived in before buying my house, I moved on average once every year (10 moves over 10 years). Moving is a great way to keep the amount of stuff you own to a minimum; Physically moving every thing you own reminds you to own less things. But even then, things started to creep in. Furniture - it takes up so much space, and no longer was I looking for shelves I could easily disassemble and put back together, or futons that could be rolled up tight. I had dressers and chairs and all sorts of things now that took up lots of space. And the supplies for my hobbies! Everything I've dabbled in, from painting to sewing to chainmail weaving, takes up so much space. The duplex was packed full and wasn't well organized, but having 4 separate people live there over the two and a half years we did accounts for some of that.
Now, though, we're in our house and it's time to start really settling in. Things that we would normally have wanted to do when we first moved in were pushed off for so long due to the need to rehab the house, and then plan a wedding. And all the theater! But now, it's time to start really organizing the house, and living in it fully. My goal is to get to the point where there is no longer sheetrock in the upstairs hallway, and every thing has a place, and every space is well organized. Not to a crazy level; I don't want to freak out of the hammers are in the wrong order or anything, but do I want to be able to find the hammers when I need them.
Current projects include:
*or paint or wood or hammers or vases or dishes or hats or shoulder bags or...
Owning a house is great for many things, but as a recovering pack rat, it's hard to keep on the "don't accumulate random stuff" wagon. From parents dropping off boxes full of random crap to the items that show up as I work on props gigs to my own tendencies to hold onto every piece of paper that crosses my palm, it is really hard to let things go when I now have all this space to keep everything.
Back in college, I did a pretty good job of not accumulating stuff (you know, for me - it's all relative). There was a time when everything I owned fit into my car at once. I mean, it was an 1987 Oldsmobile named Tank, so that's not really saying all that much, but I was proud of it at the time.
And of course, even that doesn't really take into consideration all the stuff I had in storage at my mom's house. But when I left high school, my mom sold our house, so everything I had went into storage or to college with me, and I purged a lot of material goods at that time. There was some furniture, and some boxes of mementos, but even then I had managed to thin the herd pretty well.
From college through moving into the duplex I lived in before buying my house, I moved on average once every year (10 moves over 10 years). Moving is a great way to keep the amount of stuff you own to a minimum; Physically moving every thing you own reminds you to own less things. But even then, things started to creep in. Furniture - it takes up so much space, and no longer was I looking for shelves I could easily disassemble and put back together, or futons that could be rolled up tight. I had dressers and chairs and all sorts of things now that took up lots of space. And the supplies for my hobbies! Everything I've dabbled in, from painting to sewing to chainmail weaving, takes up so much space. The duplex was packed full and wasn't well organized, but having 4 separate people live there over the two and a half years we did accounts for some of that.
Now, though, we're in our house and it's time to start really settling in. Things that we would normally have wanted to do when we first moved in were pushed off for so long due to the need to rehab the house, and then plan a wedding. And all the theater! But now, it's time to start really organizing the house, and living in it fully. My goal is to get to the point where there is no longer sheetrock in the upstairs hallway, and every thing has a place, and every space is well organized. Not to a crazy level; I don't want to freak out of the hammers are in the wrong order or anything, but do I want to be able to find the hammers when I need them.
Current projects include:
- My office - once the walls are repaired and painted, this will hold my work table, desk and drafting table. I'll have a computer up and running instead of just my netbook, and be able to limit my sewing projects to this room. It'll hold all my personal art projects, as well as some prop making. The closet will hold any personal memento storage as well as supplies for my art.
- Hallway shelves - currently a dumping ground for tools, Christmas decorations, camping gear (so random), and a hodgepodge of "home goods" like curtain rods and outlet covers. All of those things will eventually live someplace else, which leaves a huge built-in shelving unit wide open. Someday it might be claimed by an expansion of the bathroom, but that's many years down the line. In the meantime, I'm not sure what to use it for. It's not a great linen closet, as our bedroom and private bath are downstairs. But something should live there, otherwise it will continue to be a dumping ground.
- Basement - currently holds our laundry area, a newly started props storage, a mess of a work area full of tools and building materials and storage for some friends. With a little organization and lots of vacuuming up of cobwebs, I think it could be a highly organized storage area. The laundry area will remain largely the same (though some tidying wouldn't be amiss). The area just at the bottom of the stairs has built in shelves, and between that and what we could do with the space under the stairs, I think all our holiday storage could be neatly contained. It would also be a great space to store kitchen items that aren't used regularly and are currently hidden around the house - things like my cake transporter tupperware thingie, or the huge broiling pan we use for the holidays. My workshop area is the one that needs the most work, as currently most of my tools are scattered on the floor, and there's no real worktable. I have big ideas for how to organize this area, and once I get it cleaned out, I think a weekend or two will see it transformed into a much more functional space. That just leaves props storage, which I think will be an ongoing situation. Currently I have 9-10 plastic bins that hold a variety of props. I don't want to necessarily have an ever expanding prop shop, but I don't want to limit it to that, either. So I need to find/make some shelves to hold those bins, and figure out a solution for the few items I have that don't fit into bins easily (suitcases, lanterns) and set it up in the back corner of the basement. Even with the stuff we're holding for friends, there's tons of space at the back end of our basement we're not using, and I'm looking forward to organizing it all.
- Garage - currently kind of a disaster. Partly because it's holding all our patio furniture and grill, partly because it was never fully cleaned out post major rehab on the house, partly because it's holding some stuff that should probably be stored in the house, including several boxes of props. This is a late springtime project, though, and hopefully by the time I get to it, everything that should live in the house will have a place to go.
*or paint or wood or hammers or vases or dishes or hats or shoulder bags or...
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Props Thoughts - #4
Creating specific items for characters - I mentioned this in a previous post. I really enjoy this aspect of design. A glass is called for. Well, what kind of glass? A low-ball, something to drink scotch out of. Great, I have one of those right here. Done, right? Well, no. Not done. Sure, any glass of the right size could do, but that doesn't make it the right glass. Even something as simple as a glass can say so much about a character and the location they're in. From cut crystal down to acrylic, the range of what could be the right glass is pretty large.
When I designed props for Dead Man's Cell Phone the "which glass is the right one" issue meant something not just about the character or location, but also the tone of the play, the world the play lives in. There were several references in the stage notes about a scene looking like/feeling like an Edward Hopper painting, and the director wanted to really capture this. This is a wonderful place to start from with a design - artwork for great visuals and how the scene should feel. I knew I wanted to have coffee cups that were a bit oversize, because of how much weight they needed to carry in the scene. They're such an iconic part of Hopper's work, that they needed to make a statement. Any coffee cup could have done from a functional point of view, but the form demanded a specific cup. And it's the designer's job to identify the difference, and endeavor to deliver the specific. You need to work with the director to fit into their concept, the scene designer to fit into their set and often times with the actor to know what sort of character they're creating.
That's actually one of my favorite things to do, bringing an actor in on the discussion. In I Have Before Me a Remarkable Document Given to Me by a Young Lady From Rwanda there is, unsurprisingly, a remarkable document. The young lady mentioned in the title has written out her story and brought it to a writer for his feedback in helping to get it published. The director, actress and I talked a lot about what this document should look like. The young lady was a refugee, had no money, and was very serious about her work. The document should therefore be handwritten, on whatever kinds of paper she could get, and kept as tidily as possible. I ended up pulling loose-leaf paper, ends of notebooks, different colors, different sizes, some with spiral frayed ends, some from legal pads, just collecting any variety of paper I could for free. I found the cheapest, plainest and yet sturdiest folder that would be big enough to hold the whole stack (some 7 inches by the end) at the local drugstore, and found a large rubber band to hold it all together. I tried to approach it as I believed the character would. I sorted and stacked and tried to make all the pages feel as if someone had spent time writing on each page individually. I did not, however, write individually on each page. I'm not that insane. For practicality's sake, I spray glued all but the top 4 or 5 sheets together, and then bound them in the folder so that even if dropped, they wouldn't go spilling everywhere. I did hand write the first 4 or 5 pages, so that the actor who had to look through it could have something to respond to, using the Wikipedia article on Rwanda as material. In the end, it felt like a real item. Something I could imagine that young lady putting in her bag, carrying on a bus, and presenting to someone she hoped would help her publish.
Finding or creating the right item is important, I think, not just to help the audience believe the world that we're presenting them with, but to help actors believe it, too. Actors absolutely adore props, and anything that helps them feel connected in the moment is appreciated. Like handwriting out pages, or making sure that if they have to read something from a page or book that the actual words are written out clearly and correctly. Anything that keeps them from disconnecting from the scene. For that same show, the writer character is shown packing up some of his published books of poetry, and he reads off several titles as he does. So I created book jackets for each of those books with the titles he reads. Sure, I could have just pulled any books of the right size, trusting that the audience would never see the titles, but it's jarring to the actor to have to say one thing when reading another. As an even smaller detail I knew no one but the actor would see, I copied his headshot from the theater's website and stuck it on the back cover with the author's blurb. He loved that detail, and it became clear that something so small helped make him feel like those actually were his books. He was able to connect to the props in a more direct way.
When I designed props for Dead Man's Cell Phone the "which glass is the right one" issue meant something not just about the character or location, but also the tone of the play, the world the play lives in. There were several references in the stage notes about a scene looking like/feeling like an Edward Hopper painting, and the director wanted to really capture this. This is a wonderful place to start from with a design - artwork for great visuals and how the scene should feel. I knew I wanted to have coffee cups that were a bit oversize, because of how much weight they needed to carry in the scene. They're such an iconic part of Hopper's work, that they needed to make a statement. Any coffee cup could have done from a functional point of view, but the form demanded a specific cup. And it's the designer's job to identify the difference, and endeavor to deliver the specific. You need to work with the director to fit into their concept, the scene designer to fit into their set and often times with the actor to know what sort of character they're creating.
That's actually one of my favorite things to do, bringing an actor in on the discussion. In I Have Before Me a Remarkable Document Given to Me by a Young Lady From Rwanda there is, unsurprisingly, a remarkable document. The young lady mentioned in the title has written out her story and brought it to a writer for his feedback in helping to get it published. The director, actress and I talked a lot about what this document should look like. The young lady was a refugee, had no money, and was very serious about her work. The document should therefore be handwritten, on whatever kinds of paper she could get, and kept as tidily as possible. I ended up pulling loose-leaf paper, ends of notebooks, different colors, different sizes, some with spiral frayed ends, some from legal pads, just collecting any variety of paper I could for free. I found the cheapest, plainest and yet sturdiest folder that would be big enough to hold the whole stack (some 7 inches by the end) at the local drugstore, and found a large rubber band to hold it all together. I tried to approach it as I believed the character would. I sorted and stacked and tried to make all the pages feel as if someone had spent time writing on each page individually. I did not, however, write individually on each page. I'm not that insane. For practicality's sake, I spray glued all but the top 4 or 5 sheets together, and then bound them in the folder so that even if dropped, they wouldn't go spilling everywhere. I did hand write the first 4 or 5 pages, so that the actor who had to look through it could have something to respond to, using the Wikipedia article on Rwanda as material. In the end, it felt like a real item. Something I could imagine that young lady putting in her bag, carrying on a bus, and presenting to someone she hoped would help her publish.
Finding or creating the right item is important, I think, not just to help the audience believe the world that we're presenting them with, but to help actors believe it, too. Actors absolutely adore props, and anything that helps them feel connected in the moment is appreciated. Like handwriting out pages, or making sure that if they have to read something from a page or book that the actual words are written out clearly and correctly. Anything that keeps them from disconnecting from the scene. For that same show, the writer character is shown packing up some of his published books of poetry, and he reads off several titles as he does. So I created book jackets for each of those books with the titles he reads. Sure, I could have just pulled any books of the right size, trusting that the audience would never see the titles, but it's jarring to the actor to have to say one thing when reading another. As an even smaller detail I knew no one but the actor would see, I copied his headshot from the theater's website and stuck it on the back cover with the author's blurb. He loved that detail, and it became clear that something so small helped make him feel like those actually were his books. He was able to connect to the props in a more direct way.
Monday, March 7, 2011
What I needed
Feeling better after a relaxing weekend. I got to play some games, got some laundry done, hung out with my dad and baked some bread. And I caught up on sleep!
That last bit was the best part. Waking up this morning before my alarm went off was a good feeling, and not feeling rushed to get ready for work was a welcome change.
The bread I baked was challah, and while the texture needs improvement, the taste was very good. I didn't finish putting the chocolate cream pie together, as I think the chocolate part needs more time to set up. I didn't cook the cornstarch mixture enough before adding the chocolate and butter, I think. I think what I'll do is put the chocolate in the crust and then put in the freezer for a bit. Then add the whipped topping right before serving. And of course I'll have to try the recipe again (oh darn). The new technique I tried for the steaks was good, though maybe too messy for the outcome. Justin seemed to like it better than I did, though, so maybe it was worth it.
I'm planning on finishing up the upstairs bathroom and the media room this weekend. I have some prep work to get done during the week, but should be able to bang out both those projects in a day or two. I'm spending the rest of the weeknights on cleaning up my office. As I've needed to find things over the past two and a half years, I've opened up most of the boxes stored in my office, and done a poor job of cleaning them up. The closet in my office is particularly disastrous. So I'm going to pull boxes out, a few at a time, sort through them, repack as necessary, and hopefully get the closet cleaned out so I can store the boxes in there to give me room to repair the walls. Which is my goal for the following weekends - get my office done! I'm hopeful that I can get the bulk of the work done before I go back into rehearsals, and will then be able to slowly set-up my office.
The other area I need to clean up is the basement. What I really should do is not only clean it up, but set up some sort of workshop down there. I'm already creating props storage in one section, and it would be nice to have all my tools organized, and an actual workspace instead of just the floor. Bit by bit, things will get done.
That last bit was the best part. Waking up this morning before my alarm went off was a good feeling, and not feeling rushed to get ready for work was a welcome change.
The bread I baked was challah, and while the texture needs improvement, the taste was very good. I didn't finish putting the chocolate cream pie together, as I think the chocolate part needs more time to set up. I didn't cook the cornstarch mixture enough before adding the chocolate and butter, I think. I think what I'll do is put the chocolate in the crust and then put in the freezer for a bit. Then add the whipped topping right before serving. And of course I'll have to try the recipe again (oh darn). The new technique I tried for the steaks was good, though maybe too messy for the outcome. Justin seemed to like it better than I did, though, so maybe it was worth it.
I'm planning on finishing up the upstairs bathroom and the media room this weekend. I have some prep work to get done during the week, but should be able to bang out both those projects in a day or two. I'm spending the rest of the weeknights on cleaning up my office. As I've needed to find things over the past two and a half years, I've opened up most of the boxes stored in my office, and done a poor job of cleaning them up. The closet in my office is particularly disastrous. So I'm going to pull boxes out, a few at a time, sort through them, repack as necessary, and hopefully get the closet cleaned out so I can store the boxes in there to give me room to repair the walls. Which is my goal for the following weekends - get my office done! I'm hopeful that I can get the bulk of the work done before I go back into rehearsals, and will then be able to slowly set-up my office.
The other area I need to clean up is the basement. What I really should do is not only clean it up, but set up some sort of workshop down there. I'm already creating props storage in one section, and it would be nice to have all my tools organized, and an actual workspace instead of just the floor. Bit by bit, things will get done.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Big plans?
No, not really. Lots of small plans for the weekend. The planning of big plans, maybe, but that's it. I'm going to bake a loaf of challah, and a chocolate cream pie, and try a new way of cooking steaks.
I'm going to catch up on my laundry, and hang out with my dad and brother, eating grilled hotdogs.
I'm going to watch my Netflix movie, and spend quality time with Kira.
I'm going to hang out with my husband, and try to just calm down and let my shoulder muscles relax.
I'll be back to writing about props and design stuff soon. Interspersed with house stuff. And cooking stuff. It'll be good to not have my whole brain capacity filled up with props.
Starting off the weekend by going to lunch with some friends. We're heading to Annie's Parlor for cheeseburger and malts.
I'm going to catch up on my laundry, and hang out with my dad and brother, eating grilled hotdogs.
I'm going to watch my Netflix movie, and spend quality time with Kira.
I'm going to hang out with my husband, and try to just calm down and let my shoulder muscles relax.
I'll be back to writing about props and design stuff soon. Interspersed with house stuff. And cooking stuff. It'll be good to not have my whole brain capacity filled up with props.
Starting off the weekend by going to lunch with some friends. We're heading to Annie's Parlor for cheeseburger and malts.
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